I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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