Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dick very happy bro
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
