shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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