We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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