he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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