I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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