Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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