You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
