Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
