It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
