Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
