Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
