Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize