Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
