Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just blew my weed a kiss
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
