i just sent this text using only my big toe
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
