I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
