Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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