after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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