That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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