Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize