Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
