Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
