She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
