GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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