I heard we made out
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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