I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
