A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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