She is in my trunk
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
