at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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