listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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