Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
