I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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