mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
