Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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