dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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