My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
