I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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