if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
