My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
