FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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