My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
