You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
