he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
