your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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