so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
