Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
