Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
