it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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