I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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