I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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