My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
