his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
