That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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