im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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