between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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