i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
