I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My vagina is officially offended.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize