i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
